At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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