A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
