dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
