i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
