She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
