i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
it hurts more in the daytime
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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