she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
