im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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