she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
