The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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