I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize