Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
