Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
