ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
