I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
