Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize