Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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