fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
