you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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