If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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