Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
