I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
