i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize