me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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