i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
