i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I would ride that face into the sunset
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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