You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
