We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
