sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
