there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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