So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize