So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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