So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
