On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
