I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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