I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize