I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
