3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
