Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
