she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
