Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
