dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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