I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
