You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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