coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
