today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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