Non-Jews are for practice
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
