I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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