dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
