I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
