i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
