How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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