John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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