i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
