Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
