So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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