So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
