i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
